MIKE & STEVE'S SPECIAL MADONNA ITEMS LIST (plus some special contributions by other fans and collectors world-wide):

CLICK HERE to see some more Fun Stuff that I just felt like throwing in!!!

PLEASE NOTE that everything you see in this list does not actually exist - these things are just made up for humor and entertainment purposes only. I repeat, NONE of these items actually exist, they never did, and they probably never will!!!

HERE AT THE MADONNA CATALOG, WE'VE GOT ALL THE NEWEST ITEMS! LIKE THESE GREAT NEW ITEMS PROVIDED BY "JONATHAN"

 

"With DICK in Hand"

Rare "I"m Breathless" tracks remixes done by Patrick Hernadez and some unreleased material written by Madonna and Weird Al and all of madonna's GAY dancers (so in short, every male dancer on EVERY tour and video besides OLIVER!!)
Album artwork and design by Madonna and a 3rd Grader from Michigan! Cover and inside photo's are of Madonna in a "Breathless" dress, holding dildo's with picture's of Warren Beatty's face sloppily glued on them (BTW: Title is a pun in conjunction to the "rumored" bootleg album "With Penn in Hand" which is said to contain "True Blue" demos)

Here are the tracks:

1. VOGUE (BORN to strike a pose mix) 8:22 - Horrible, this remix makes a classic dance song into a polka track, completely disordered vocals and a rap by DR. DRE (????) NOTE: Madonna was not involved in the collaboration of Dr.DRE

2.I'm Putting Banana's in my pants 1:59 - Track is rare and pretty kewl. SOng is about madonna using a banana to masturbate and includes a segment of "Curious George" read by Nikki Harris and Donna DeLory. This track could've been a Top 5 hit in the US and SCREAMS remix my ass!

3.I'm Breathless 6:01 - Song is about madonna's experiance as playing a vilan in "Dick tracy" song is a ballad in which madonna screams "I"M breathless, go buy me some!!!" Song sounds a lot like "Careless Whisper" by WHAM!, but is slower and contains a 7 octave vocal performance by Madonna herself

4.Hanky Panky (Bare Breasts MIX) 4:54 - GREAT remix of one of the best songs of 1990! Has a jazzy/dance/pop feel to it and has better vocal performance than the original, also if you listen close enough, you can hear madonna say "da da da da, da da dum" from the scene in which she is changing with dad in the next room from the hit film "Truth or Dare"

5.Dicks 8.5 minutes LONG (EXTENDED version) Song is about Dick Tracy, well his sexual organs and the size of them and everything like that, really disturbing, no references are made to oral sex or sexual intercourse, but madonnna does say "my bottom hurts just thinking about it"  Song has a great beat, song is kinda long and has DEEP vocals by Madonna, the CLIMAX of the song is in the mid-section with a  great keyboard SOLO

6.Erotica (Madonna is in my 1962 Station Wagon dub) 5:19 - Bascially the same song, just a second longer, includes 2 1/2's of a  second "crackle" sounds at the beginning/end!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING SONG

7.SEX 5:28 - Not much to say about this classic, just an original song about the beauty of sex. Great dance beat, sounds like nothing else Madonna has ever done, but still has a great beat, madonna's vocals are dry and sounds a lot like her "Dita" character, but the song is NOT "Erotica".  

8. Paradise (is for me) 6:10 - Song is a strange yet kewl remix which contains experts from the Sade song "Paradise", also contains a 5 minute song which Madonna and the lead singer of Sade (Sade) sing a beautiful duet. This song is soooo catchy and romantic.

9.Material Girl 3:58 - Just the album version from the multi-platinum album "Like a Virgin"

10. SHIT! I Fucking did it again 3:16 Disturbing song by Madonna and Britney Spears, in which Madonna talks about ruining a great relationship and has britney spears on back-up vocals. Song IS catchy, but far to explicit for the Britney Fans.

11.Maverick 5:69 - Great song about how proud Madonna is of her record company, and how she'd like to hook up with Guy O but he's gay, and how she loves Rupert, but he's gay, and how she loves Nick Carter, but he's gay (oops! did i say that?), and bascially turns into madonna defending gays but saying she's in love with most gay men. Great vocals and catchy beat, even has a expert for "Truth or Dare" where Madonna says "I'm gonna get a hard on" (????)

12. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 1:53 - Simple song which contains experts from a lot of Madonna songs, all experts contain the parts where Madonna hum's.

This album is a classic.
Rolling Stone gave it 4 stars and it's nominated for best bootleg!
Great price: $12.95 for the cd $10.99 for cassette or $2 for the vinyl.
Great Condition, just a few deep scratches and a huge long rip in the sleeves. Buy NOw.
Or you'll never have a "Dick in (your) hand"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Name: Cosmic Mahoney

Tracks:
1.Love song (SEX EDIT)(5:19) dance remix, with background noises of both Prince moaning (taken from his song "Cream") and Madonna moaning (taken from "erotica") over and over, don't listen to with the door unlocked!

2.Get Up (barbone gets down mix)(6:18) it's a dance remxix of the best song from madonna's demo-tape, it contains simular music to "get down" but with a Madonna touch, so it's listenable to.heavy-bass line and has a intro from tom jones!

3.You'll See (eyes wide shut remix) (1:25) another dance remix but it has all the words crammed together, this has no instrumental solo's and it even has a sample from every Nicole Kidman movie where she acts good, so whole song only has madonna on vocals!

4.Let down your guard (696969 mix) (4:33) it's the same as the released version, but it has a background of someone laughing out loud and saying "69" over and over, it's hilarious!

5.CURSES! (1:00) this song is an original unknown song written by Madonna! it has samples from : Love makes the world go round, justify my love (remix), theif of hearts, and human nature, from each song is the one time Madonna says a curse word, she says "DAMN" from love makes the world go round, "FUCK" from justify my love (remix), "bitch,ass" from theif of hearts and "shit" from HN, she says the words DAMN,FUCK,BITCH,ASS,SHIT over and over in that order, incredibly disturbing!

6.Dear Jessie (pink submerine dub)(8:11) dance remix, has samples of Madonna saying "time to dance" from "Time to dance" (horrible track by
Wernherr)

7.Ray of light (beam mix) (6:11) simular as LP version just instead of ray of light , madonna says BEAM ,also music is from "santa baby"

8.True Blue (real navy dub) (5:26) dance remix of "true blue" with water sounds, also features a rare rap done by Sean Penn,here's what he
says : "uh huh uh huh uh huh ..yo" the duet , when you buy this, it comes with antoher disatrious duet , the home video of "Shanghai
surprise"!

9.Erotica (dominatrix XXX FUCK version) (4:18), it's just an edit of the LP version, but you get to hear a solo done by PEE-WEE herman! he
says "all over me" instead of Madonna!

10.Fever (hot themoniter mix) (7:16) this version is hands down the WORST remix, it's not even madonna singing lead, it's 4 non blondes!
the music is the same as the macerena, and all madonna sings is the "FEVER", which is the best part of this otherwise horrible remix!

BONUS track*

*Beautiful Stranger (ugly close realitive mix) it just beautiful stranger played backwords, it's rumoured you can hear madonna saying
"shag" in the song!

*Subsitute for love (real teacher for hate dub) it's once again the beautiful song "Subsityute for love" played backwards, it's rumoured
you can hear the song "lies in your eyes" if you listen close enough!

this cd is only $288.00, WOW! the tape is $266.25 and the vinyl is $1........order yours today, it's already sold just enough to put us in debt!

ALL-NEW "Like A Prayer" remix album, includes:

1.Like a prayer (pepsi remix)
2.Express yourself (federal express dub)
3.Love Song (susan's purple rain remix)
4.'Till Death so us part (sean..sean mix)
5.Promise to try (jellybean dub)
6.cherish (mer girl remix)
7.dear jessie (letter mix)
8.oh father (danceteria mix)
9.keep it together (humpty dumpty remix)
10.spanish eyes (otto von wernherr mix):has madonna sayig "german eyes"
instead of spanish
11.act of contriction (evita mix)

Bonus Tracks*

*Express yourself (HN dub) :features madonna saying "don't repress
yourself"every time after saying "EXPRESS yourself"

*Express yourself (SEX book edit) :it's the video version but at the
beginging when the cowbells are going madonna says "light the candles,
till there nice and soft, and when they start to drip, i'm gonna get
you off,Ero..ress"
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ALL NEW 12" promo picture disc from Nigeria of "Be careful with my heart" by Ricky Martin and Madonna.

On the A-side is a nude photo of Ricky and on the B-side is a nude picture of Madonna. Both have hearts placed over their genitals. Here's
the tracklisting:

Side A:
Be careful with my heart - Ricky Martin vocals only edit (oops, sorry, this is the instrumental version)
Be careful with my heart - Uno, dos, tres / Maria's heart surgery club mix edit
Be careful with my heart - Ricky's heart attack bitch mix (features Ricky saying: "I hate this bitch" over and over again)

Side B:
Be careful with my heart - Madonna vocals only edit (This sounds REALLY GREAT!!)
Be careful with my heart - Body Of Evidence Dub
Be careful with my heart - Pacemaker Shutdown Mix
Pretender - Duet Q-sound album version (Has Ricky Martin singing "Liviní la vida loca" in the background)

It's a great disc and now YOU can get it, because I'm selling mine.
Only one has been made. Sound quality is perfect (unfortunately). Estimated value of this disc is $0.50

Serious inquiries only please!!!

Thanks to DeeJay for submitting this funny item.

album title: SATIN PUSSY
tracklisting:

1) Let's Taste It
2) Coconut Breasts
3) Nightmare On Toast
4) Going Cheap
5) Material Boy
6) Not A Virgin
7) Over In Dover
8) Dress You Down
9) Nipple Nation
10) Satin Pussy

1988:

album title: CATHOLIC C*NT
tracklisting:

1) Spanish Thighs
2) I Can't Keep It Together
3) Cherries
4) Fact Of Contributions
5) Repress Yourself
6) Like A Chair
7) Oh Rather!!!!
8) Glove Song
9) Till Beth Does A Fart
10) You Jessie!
11) Promise To Pry (Little Bitch)

1993:

album title: [b] A-ROTTING-GIRL [b]

1) Cheaper and Cheaper
2) Beaver
3) Bad Song
4) Chief Of Farts
5) Turds
6) Grating
7) Secret Bush
8) Where My Thighs Begin
9) A-Rotting-Girl (Put Your Swobs All Over My Body)
10) Bye Bye Rabies
11) I Didn't Do It

So there u go! EXCLUSIVE FOR U ALL!!

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Ultra-Madonna In Her Ultimate Ultra-Video Ulti-Collection - Ulti-Promo Only

 

Super rare Madonna CD, gold plated laserdisc and it features unreleased videos and outtakes from videos. It shows an ULTRA-RARE out-take of Madonna violently falling down the stairs while filming the Papa Don't Preach video! You'll wet yourself! But wait, there's more - there is also an unreleased video for Rescue Me, Keep it Together and an ALL NEW version of Open Your Heart. The Video for Ray Of Light was included too. Warning - Label says in Bright Red "MAVERICK WILL COME ROUND TO YOUR HOUSE AND SIEZE THIS ITEM WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT" Also includes a special BONUS track:-

 

TRACKS/ VIDEOS:

1) Papa Don't Preach - Outtakes (Running Time: 3:45)

2) Like A Prayer/ Express Yourself - Outtakes (Running Time: 9:27)

3) Open Your heart - New Version (Running Time: 4:27)

4) Keep It Together - Unreleased ULTRA RARE! (Running Time: 5:03)

5) Rescue Me (Demanding Dub) - New Footage! (Running Time: 4:15)

6) Ray Of Light - Video (Running Time: 5:21)

7) Vogue - Behind The Scenes (Running Time: 6:31)

8) Pretender (Remix) - When you play this is turns out as the LP Version

 

Madonna Lyrical Mix Dubs by Junior - Features four tracks, each track is mixed with two others. Super RARE CD. Just $3,999. A STEAL!!!!

 

TRACKS:

1) Papa Don't Preach/ Express Yourself/ Cherish (mixed up to the nines) (20:29)

2) Justify My Love/ Erotica/ Human Nature (18:34) (What, no swearing? Mix)

3) Rescue Me/ Like A Prayer/ Borderline (15:54) (Do these songs even go together? Mix)

4) Rain/ You'll See/ Bad Girl (17:14) (Album Filler Mix)

 

SUPER RARE LIKE A VIRGIN REMIX EP!!! READ ON: - Yours for just $99.99

Tracks: - (WOW!!)

1. Pretender (LP Version)

2. Pretender (LP Version)

3. Pretender (LP Version)

4. Pretender (LP Version)

5. Pretender (LP Version)

6. Pretended (Extended Remix) - No, this is the LP version after all.

 

Guatemalean Import - You Can Dance Album Remixes

1. Spotlight (Groove Mix) - Time 3:21

2. Spotlight (Remix of Groove Mix) - Time 3:21

3. Spotlight (Extended Groove Mix) - Time 3:21

4. Spotlight (Regurgitated Remixes Re-Re-Re-Remix)

5. Spotlight (Shep's Dissapeared from Madonna's album credits Mix)

 

Welsh "Madonna - First Album" - Unique Celtic Design featuring

1. Gwiliau (Remix) - This is Holiday sung uniquely in Welsh!

2. Pawb (Sheep's Remix - Yes, that's sheep not shep) - Everybody in WELSH!!!!

3. Pawb (Cardiff Remix) - Everybody in South Walian!

4. Gwiliau (The Yes this is really a welsh album and I didn't make the words up Remix)

 

US Import - Special CD Album with regular artwork and all LP versions!!! This album will only work in all regular Hi-Fi, CD, Computer CD-Rom etc.. systems....it will NOT work on the super 56 Track Recording Machines.

 

This album contains:-

1. Like A Virgin (LP Version)

2. Who's That Girl (LP Version)

3. Like A Prayer (LP Version....unique, can't be found on any other album except the RARE Madonna - Like A Prayer album!)

YOURS FOR JUST $199.99

 

The "My Goodness, your grandmother would have a heart attack" CD PROMO-ONLY...ONLY 2 Copies made....hurry, I have just 6 copies of this album which has only 750,000 copies made! Yes!!! Just 7,500,000,000 copies!!!! THIS IS A RARE 52" CD!! Will only play in 52" CD players!!!!

 

1. Erotica (F*** the F***ing F****** down at city F****** hall remix)

2. Justify My Love (Madonna seems to swear a lot in this Era Mix)

3. Bye Bye Baby (F*** the fans, I hate them Mix)

4. Pretender (LP Version)

Brand new tracks and remixes from the

"Ray Of Light" era:

Mixes and remixes from the "Bedtime Stories" era:

Bedtime Story Mongolian 12" PIC DISC

1. Dionne Warwick's Psychic Dream Mix (9:00)

2. BS Megamix (with exerpts from Dress You Up and Cosmic Climb! 45:08)

3. Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

Super rare! $6.98 features picture of Madonna from "Who's that Girl" Era

Mixes and remixes from the "Like A Prayer" era:

"Act of Contrition" UK limited edition 12" double pack, pressed on Orange Vinyl!

--Has 10 remixes plus a special bonus track!!

1. Regal Rosary Mix (2:02)

2. Slash does Madonna's Mix (2:05)

3. Instrumental (2:18)

4. Megamix (with clips from Papa Don't preach and Cherish and Dress You Up!)

5. Reservation Dub (2:03)

6. Lord's Prayer Mix (2:01)

7. Lush Vocal Edit (2:07)

8. Orbital mix (2:04)

9. Extended Version (2:15)

10. Crucimix (2:02)

SPECIAL BONUS TRACK:

11. Pretender (LP Version) (4:28)

--Super rare! Ltd Edition out of print!!! $6,097.98!

 

"Promise to Try" 12" Single Russian (includes Promise to Try remixes: Jellybean Dance remix, Otto's masters at work mix, the fuck me beats mix, my mommy's dead mix, and Junior's Wet Nightmare mix)

Dear Jessie 12" Arctic single:

1. Shep's Cotton Candy dub 7:09

2. Orbital's Merry Go Round Mix 5:55

3. Junior's Sweet Dream Mix 9:34

4. Black Wax Mix 7:45

5. The Fuck Me Beats 7:23

6. Jessie got Murked Mix 12:02

7. Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

--Fabulous! Only 30 were released! $400.00

Items, records, mixes, and remixes from the "Immaculate Collection" era:

Great stuff from the "I'm Breathless" / Dick Tracy era:

Now I'm Following You (Stalker Remix Radio Edit) 4:15

I'm Going Bananas (Juniper House Mix) 3:18

Something To Remember (Focal Retrograde Amnesia Mix) 4:52

"Vogue" limited edition Picture CD-5 (Himalayan Import)

1. Marlene's Bimixual Dub 7:55

2. Meryl Streep's Lush Vocal Edit 8:21

3. Michelle Pfieffer's "Non Singing Mix" 5:47

4. Michelle Pfieffer's "Thief of Roles" mix 7:16

5. Sean's Homovoguic Mix 8:34

6. Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

--Fabulous! Only 12 are left after starving panda bears ate the stock of them!

 

"More" African 3rd world country EP

1. The Greedy Mix 6:43

2. Accountant's Dub 6:03

3. Junior's Credit Union Mix 9:57

4. Material Girl-Orbital remix 7:34

5. Material Girl-Currency Jam mix 6:21

6. Erotica-Bass Hits Dub 9:09

7. Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

-This super rare CD was never reissued or widely distributed due to low sells in Ethiopia! $568.00

Mixes and remixes from the "Erotica" era:

 

"In this Life" 8.38" shaped Vinyl Brazilian Single with plinth

1. Disaster Dub

2. Instrumental

3. Cemetary Mix

4. Immortal Version

5. Pretender (LP Version)

A steal at only 89.95

 

Once again we've used all the latest technology to produce some wonderfully rare stuff!

ALL NEW! Super-rare audio compilation on Sony Betamax videocassette:

 

Burning Up (Burnt Out Mix) 5:54

Live To Tell (Witness Protection Dub) 6:43

Causing A Commotion (Public Disturbance Radio Mix) 4:16

Holiday (To Hell And Back Dub) 9:12

Love Don't Live Here Anymore (Moved Next Door Mix) 7:42

Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

Get ALL these tracks for only $99.95!!!

Newly-available audio tracks:

OTHER RARE ITEMS:

 

"Vogue" Japanese 7" picture disc, limited edition, with backing card and plinth

1. Joan Collin's Groove mix 8:09

2. Meryl Streep's "Evita's in da House mix" 9:44

3. "Let Down Your Guard" (Smooth Mix Edit) 2:58

Very rare! Only 3 were made before Evita plans were first scratched.

Must have at $225.98

 

"Jimmy Jimmy" Nigerian CD-5 (comes with a FREE dozen extra-large eggs!)

1. Shep's You go Boy Mix 6:32

2. Instrumental

3. LP Version

4. Janets's Jimmy Jimmy Jam Mix 8:03

5. The "Put it on my ice cream" mix 6:66

6. Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

Rare! Only 11 were made! $599.98

 

"You'll See" - The Dance EP (with special obi strip!)

1. Braile Mix (includes special lyric sheet in BRAILE!!!)

2. Coke-Bottle Glasses Dub

3. I'll Remember (The Alzheimer's Dub)

4. Dress You Up (The Laundry Room Dub)

5. Seeing-Eye-Dog Mix

6. "If Junior Calls" (Junior gets Murked Mix)

7. Pretender (LP Version) 4:28

 

"True Blue" Icelandic 10" 78RPM Single Blue Vinyl

1. LP Version (4:28)

2. Sean's Blue Balls Mix (7:58)

3. Bjork's Underground Blue Mix (13:40)

4. Mama Don't Preach (Lourdes In The Mix) (Miami Version) (7:11)

5. Pretender (LP Version) (4:28)

Ltd edition release! 128.98

 

At Jeremy Iron's and Hugh Grant's Semi-annual "Coming out of the Closet Music Auction" I was lucky enough to find these:

"Cry Baby" UK Ltd. Edition 8-track Maxi-single

1. Junior's Tear tantrum Mix 6:05

2. Ethel Merman's Night on the Club Mix 9:34

3. Megamix w/ clips from Where's the Party and Live to Tell! 24:09

4. In the Can Master's at Work Mix 8:56

--A must have! Absolutely rare! A must have at only 65.98!

 

"Can't Stop" USA promo-only ENDLESS LOOP CASSETTE. This song just "can't stop" once you start playing it! It's a specially-designed endless loop cassette, which just keeps on playing the song "can't stop" over and over again! And, as a special bonus, flip the tape over, and it plays "Over And Over" over and over again! These two must-have endless classics on one special tape, for a limited time only - now only $14.98!

 

**********************************

NEWS FLASH!!!!

Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 16:39:40 -0500 (EST)

Subject: Madonna: MADONNA'S NEW ALBUM - "Entrapped" - DUE OCT.1st!!!!!!!!!!

Reuters (NEW YORK) - The Material Girl will soon have another baby this October - a new dance album compiled with Kenneth "Babyface" Edmunds and "True Blue" collaborator Patrick Leonard. The album, entitled "Entrapped", will be somewhat darker in tone and scope, according to the singer's publicist Liz Rosenberg. "A lot of people think she's dramatically different now that she's a mother, and she is, but not necessarily in the way people expect," Rosenberg said. "She's going to have a lot to say." According to sources in the industry, Madonna was tremendously upset for not receiving an Oscar nomination, and is planning a stinging musical rebuff. One track, aggressively titled "Trash" (with extended remixes planned by Pablo Flores, remixer for the recent "Don't Cry For Me" single) is expected to cause the furor typically associated with the blonde one.

**********************************

1) "I'm Going Bananas" The-frozen-treat-in-the-butt-Mix! A super remix of a classic Madonna tune. (Tape, CD, or 8 track for just $120.98

 

2) "Like A Prayer" The Iraqi remix CD-maxi! BANNED IN 20 middle Eastern nations and states! Well worth the sticker price of $53.98

 

3) "Burning Up" The Super-Duper-High-Gloss-Special-Gold-One-Of-A-Kind-Did-I-Say-Special? Remix tape! Contains over 30 remixes of a great Madonna tune...INCLUDES:

a) "I'm Burning Up; Where's the Micatin?"

b) "Burning Up: It's so HOTT"

c) "Burning Up: Party-In-My-Pants!"

d) "Burning Up: Cooling Down"

e) "Pretender" (LP Version) 4:28

This tape is a STEAL at $530.98

 

4) A completely real CD of never released Madonna tunes like:

a) "Shirley, Shirley Shoeshine: Shine My Shoe!"

b) "Bedtime Story" -oops...never mind; she released that one!

c) "Wishing on a Superstar"

d) "The story of Suzy Q.: Model-slash-Actress"

e) "The Joy of Sects" -a prototype of Like a Prayer

f) "Ode to the Oom-Pah Tuba Boy"

g) "You Can Do the Hokey Pokey"

...AND MANY POLKA FAVORITES FROM MADONNA'S EARLY DAYS!!!

DO NOT LET THIS TAPE GO! ONLY $1.79!

 

please reserve any of these items FAST, because they are all one-of-a-kind, and only available between 7:30 and 7:31am on July 20, 1999!

***END TOTALLY MADE-UP LIST***

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